These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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