Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
where does the pee come out of this thing
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
