No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
