Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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