who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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