i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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