Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize