I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you win again, gameday.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
