I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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