Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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