literally had 100 drinks last night.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
