You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
