Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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