everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
