her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, โsex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.โ
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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