I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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