I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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