i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
