I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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