i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
