Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
