That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize