There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
a search helicopter?!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
