i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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