So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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