She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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