i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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