i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
