I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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