This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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