I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
