Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
