dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize