I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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