Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
