I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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