Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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