it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
