White coat. Heels.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
