the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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