could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
