the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Me too!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
