I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
