Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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