THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
