At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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