I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
