i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
