there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
