I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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