Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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