he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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