There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Randomize
