She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize