I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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