i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
