i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
