I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
