so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
