Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
