tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
