why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
