I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
