i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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