I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
