I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
